It's kind of a big deal.
I started blogging back in (check sidebar history). We were shaky. I was full of discontent. I was peeking over at other people's lawns and their grass was DEFINITELY greener to me. I was slowly sneaking up on my 30's and felt a need to have things "just so" in my life.
I read on others' blogs things like "My hubby is just the BEST! Today he.... blah blah blah, shot a rainbow out his butt, etc. " and the like.
It depressed me.
Wait, I said that wrong.
I let it depress me.
I compared myself, my life, my children, my marriage to other people's. Lord help the woman that starts to compare. She is about to become one unhappy chica.
And so I was.
But I didn't want to write, "So we got in this fight today and I handled it like a complete idiot but who can blame me because he is SOOO aggravating. Does anyone have advice on how I can change my husband? No one is treated worse than I am."
What is that attitude? It makes me sad & sick and disgusted to even write that paragraph.
But I wanted to blog. I wanted to keep in touch with loved ones out of state and keep them up to date on what was going on in our little lives. So I wrote only positive things. I stated facts about what we did. I started to look for ways that MY husband was actually the best husband in the whole wide world.
And guess what?
I found them. And there are a lot of ways that he is the best. The very best for me.
We have had it rough. I won't lie, and I'm also not going to go into it.
A few weeks ago I said to Clay, "Oh my gosh, wouldn't it be awesome if we had the relationship we have right now at the beginning of our marriage? We would have had such a great time!" He pointed out to me that the reason our relationship is what it is results from years of knocking down walls, accepting & supporting each other, kids, fights, depression, self-doubt, crying, ugly crying, struggling, wanting to escape, & making some major mistakes.
Today it made me think of that greener grass. Sometimes we want it. It's perfectly soft & manicured for crying out loud!!! How could we not?!
But really, if a magical fairy waved a wand over my lawn could I even handle it? Would I fertilize it on time as many times as it required? Would I turn a sprinkler on the dead spot to give it some extra love? Do I have the tools to keep it perfectly edged?
So guess what-if that lawn were handed to me, I would ruin it. It would soon become a bit shaggy around the edges because I don't have an edger (even though I want one). I might spill a bit too much fertilizer in one spot and kill it (like I've done).
In my marriage, HALF, if not more, of the issues have been ME. Totally me. If we want to relate this green grass business to my marriage, the point is that I would not have been able to deal with perfection. Frankly, I don't even want perfection. There's so much growth in the work of it. The gardener that really cares and really slaves over that grass is the one who values it most because he learned how to do it and he does it.
He values it a million times more than someone driving by in their car.
None of that may have made sense to you, but I had to get it out.